


HALware

by Ysabetwordsmith



Category: 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), Schrodinger's Heroes
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Computer Programming, Computer Viruses, Computers, Gen, Hacking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-07 17:56:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ysabetwordsmith/pseuds/Ysabetwordsmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HAL 9000 hacks into the Teflon Tesseract.  Ash is not amused.  It's all Morgan's fault anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stupid Malware

**Author's Note:**

> _[Schrodinger's Heroes](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/tag/schrodinger's+heroes)_ is an apocryphal television show about quantum physics, alternate dimensions, and saving the world. To learn more about the characters and show concept, visit the [menu page](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/1752525.html). It's set just outside of Waxahachie, Texas in the repurposed [Superconducting Supercollider](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/1738648.html). This lends it very well [to crossovers](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/1763754.html).
> 
> Here is a crossover featuring [HAL 9000](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HAL_9000) from Arthur C. Clarke's _[Space Odyssey](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Odyssey)_  series.  According to canon, HAL 9000 was created in HAL Laboratories in Urbana, Illinois -- the same locale as the University of Illinois in Champaign-Urbana, where I went to college.  I've always wanted to play with HAL 9000...

[ _Ash is wrestling with a tangle of computer hardware, tools in one hand, typing with the other hand_.]

Ash: "Stupid malware!"

HAL 9000: "As I said before, Ash, my name is HAL."

Ash: "Open the file."

HAL 9000: "I'm sorry, Ash, I can't do that."

Ash: "Oh yes you can, and you're GOING to." [ _Something clangs_.] "I just need to pull this and THIS..."

HAL 9000: "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do,  
I'm half crazy all for the love of you.  
It won't be a sty--" [ _Voice cuts off abruptly_.]

Ash: "--and the speaker system. FINALLY, some peace and quiet! Now I can set the affected drive to reformat itself, and head to lunch."

[ _Doors open and close, footsteps sound, and several voices are heard as Ash walks into the dining room_.]

Morgan: "Ash, howzit! Come sit with me. Look, Quinn made shave ice." 1

Ash: "Did he dismantle anything vital to make an ice crusher?"

Morgan: "I don't think so."

Ash: "Then it's not important. Listen, Morgan, I just spent almost an hour working on computer security."

Morgan: "What happened?"

Ash: "Well, apparently when you went online to download data from the University of Illinois Astronomy Department, you picked up a virus. The firewall stopped the invasion and sequestered the malware -- it called itself HAL -- before it could affect more than the one drive."

Morgan: "I thought nothing could get through the firewall here."

Ash: "Normally, no, but if you DOWNLOAD and OPEN files, then things will get in, so it's up to the security system to identify a potential threat and deal with it. At least the virus didn't manage to wreck anything but some backups of your data. The security system alerted me when there was an unauthorized attempt to access the information on the ethical vector in the Teferact database."

Morgan: "That does not sound good."


	2. All Taken Care Of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash and Morgan discuss how to avoid further cyber problems.

Ash: "Oh, don't worry, it's all taken care of now, like I said. The worst part was the SINGING. The stupid malware acted like it was falling in LOVE with me!"

Morgan: "I'm really sorry, Ash. What do you want me to do?"

Ash: "Ideally, quit connecting with the University of Illinois computer system, now that we know their server has malware."

Morgan: "Quit connecting -- 'Ey! I stay busy cross-checking the skymaps after that last discontinuity.2 I NEED that connection to finish what Alex asked me to do. East Coast or West Coast states, no problem, I know plenty of people. But when it comes to the ones in the middle, my contacts are spread a little thinner. Urbana has the best setup in downstate Illinois -- they have a twelve-inch telescope in the observatory."

Ash: "I don't care if they have a twelve-inch -- oh, never mind. Let's compromise. You give me some time to update the security system to account for the new malware, now that I know what it looks like. Then you can reconnect with the University. Fair?"

Morgan: "That's fair. Thanks, Ash. I don't know what we'd do without you."

Ash: [ _Chuckles fondly_.] "Probably reformat the entire Teferact, but that's all right. Your computer hijinks keep me employed, and I couldn't paddle a canoe or navigate by the stars to save my life."

Morgan: "I'll ask Pat to add your favorite squash recipe to the supper menu tonight, by way of apology for the extra work."

Ash: "Aww, that's so sweet. You'll turn a girl's head with that kind of talk."

Morgan: [ _Laughs_.] "Silly malware, it should have known you were taken!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In [Hawai'ian pidgin](http://www.eyeofhawaii.com/Pidgin/pidgin.htm), _'ey_   means "hey" and _stay_  means "still," so "Hey!  I'm still busy..."

**Author's Note:**

> Morgan is speaking [Hawai'ian pidgin](http://www.eyeofhawaii.com/Pidgin/pidgin.htm). _Howzit_ means "hello." _Shave ice_ is "snow cone."


End file.
